Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
