you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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