first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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