Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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