i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
