mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
