I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
