Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
