My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
