I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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