No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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