You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
