That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
