I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
