Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
