My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
