11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
