why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
