Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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