he wants to bone in the snuggie
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
