I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
