Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
