Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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