don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
