I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
