Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
