Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
