hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize