direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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