Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
