a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
