Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
