In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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