I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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