Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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