Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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