My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
