dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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