did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
