The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
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