remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize