I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
