My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
