before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
