THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
