why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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