i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
