i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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