shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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