I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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