I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
