But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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