i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
