i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
