Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
