why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
