i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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