And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
if only i could text you this smell
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
