So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
